Make Yourself a Priority

I used to think that being selfless meant that everyone else came before me; that I needed to take care of everyone else before taking care of myself. I was always taking care of everyone else. I rarely took the time to care for myself in the true meaning of the word. Essentially, I came last. That is not what being truly selfless is. To be selfless is more than putting others needs before your own; it includes taking care of yourself too. After all, you are the most important person in your life.

When I was young and single, sure, I took care in my appearance. I bought myself clothes and shoes that I liked when I needed them, or when I found a great sale. Then, when I became a wife and mother, things changed. Kids grow fast, especially in those first few years. My kids were always needing new clothes. Whenever my husband would start a new job it felt like the dress-code was different, therefore he was always needing new clothes as well. The money wasn’t there and everyone else needed clothes more than I did. This is just one of the examples of how I fell to the bottom of the proverbial totem pole.

Not long after my youngest child was born, I knew something had to change. I started to see myself turning into my mom. Now, I loved my mom. I know she went through things in her life that led her to not make herself a priority though and I didn’t want to end up the same way. I tried to keep up the façade of “I’m okay” but inside I was falling apart. I was trying to keep life stable for my kids and husband while I was deteriorating. I love and always have loved my children. So why was I getting so angry with them? At this point I made the conscious effort to start one small way of taking care of myself. I told my husband that I needed new clothes. He was very supportive and encouraging; but, to me, new clothes meant spending money. I was used to living in money scarcity rather than abundance. I had to push past the scarcity mindset.

For most of my childhood, my mom would take me and my siblings to thrift stores for our clothes. As I got older it was harder and harder for me to feel good in these used clothes. I had a hard time finding anything I liked so I’d just pick anything and only end up wearing a fraction of what my mom bought. At this time, I decided that I didn’t care how much I spent. Yes, I like to find a bargain. I almost never buy anything if it’s not on sale. However, I really wanted to start liking the way I looked in my outfits. I made the decision to purchase one or two new outfits (a dress, jeans and a nice top, etc.) twice a year; once in the spring and once around my birthday in the fall. I slowly started feeling better and I also knew that I needed to do more for myself.

A few years ago I added another thing to my self-care: I started taking long, hot baths on the weekends, often taking a book in to read. I’d wake up and start my Saturday or Sunday off with a long, hot bath and then I’d shower before interacting with anyone. It has been wonderful to have that “me” time.

Lastly, I take the time to walk my youngest son to and from school almost every day. I know this doesn’t sound like much for self-care, but hear me out. It is self-care because it allows me to get outside in the fresh air. I get one-on-one time with him on the way to school and I get me time on the way home. Even though some days are less then optimal conditions (i.e. rain, snow, or just being downright cold) having that time to be outside is extremely helpful to my well-being.

Making myself a priority has been a challenge at times, but it has also been fulfilling. It has allowed me to be more loving toward my family. Do I still get frustrated and angry on occasion? Yes. After all, I’m only human. That being said, I am no longer resentful because I am now a priority, rather than an after-thought.

Don’t wait to make yourself a priority. The longer you wait the harder and more bitter you will become. When you are taking care of yourself, you are able to more fully care for others. Think about one small thing you can do to care for yourself and do it. You will soon start to see and feel yourself soften. And remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Focus on the Lesson

Our past teaches us lessons. We are gifted the present. The past and present help us embrace the future.

Does it ever seem like you go through the same hardship or trail time and again? I know I have. Sometimes the lesson is learned the first time. Sometimes it takes making the same mistake or going through the same challenge multiple times to learn the lesson. I recently came across a saying that went something like this: There are no mistakes. There are only lessons.

Mistakes and challenges help us grow. Growth helps us better our future. If you focus on your mistakes and hurt from the past, guess what? You will continue to feel that hurt. Look back at the hurt and ask yourself: Is there something I can learn from this? How can that experience help me become better? Those questions can help you go from being a “victim” to a place of empowerment.

There was a time in the early years of our marriage that we had a difficult time holding onto jobs. A few months after we got married, I lost my job. Later that same day, my husband lost his job. Ironically, we were working at the same place. That was the first of many job losses in the first few years of our marriage. It was an extremely stressful and difficult time for both of us.

My first inclination was to be a victim. Eventually, though, I realized that there must be a lesson I (we) needed to learn. I began asking what I needed to learn from it. It seemed as soon as I felt like I was getting a handle on our finances, we’d get hit again with another job loss. One thing that almost immediately came to mind was that I (we) needed to get a better handle on our finances. We started working together on our finances. It was time consuming, but we tried our best with what we had. I finally discovered an excellent budgeting program that really helped get a handle on our budgeting. We made a small investment in the form of an annual fee and it helped us tremendously.

Am I perfect at budgeting? No. Are we perfect with our finances? No. We empowered ourselves by taking a couple different financial courses together over the years. Between the financial courses we took and the budgeting program, I learned that consistency and awareness is powerful. Being aware of what is available is more powerful than what was available or what is going to be available in the future. The same concept can be applied to many different aspects of life.

The past is a place to learn from, not to live in. Living in the past keeps you stuck. Who would want to relive the hardest parts of your life, over and over again? I know I wouldn’t. You can always learn something from your past. Sometimes it’s painful, but by discovering the lesson you can learn and grow. By acknowledging your past and allowing yourself to grow from it, your future will become brighter and you will become more empowered.

The Power of “AND”

Do you know that you can have two different emotions at the same time? Yes, two different emotions can, and often do, occur at the same time. The Podcast “Light the Fight” talks about this in two different episodes: one is called “the and” and the other “the and 2.0”. I plan to listen to these episodes again and I encourage you to listen as well.

Have you ever felt sad AND relieved at the same time? What about happy and sad? Do you sometimes get angry with someone you love (anger and love)? How about being in (physcial or emotional) pain and still being grateful? What about excitement and being nervous? It can be confusing to feel two immensely different emotions. Sometimes we hold ourselves back because of one strong emotion; we allow doubt and fear to overrun our excitement.

Thanks to Facebook algorithms, my feed is full of positive, uplifting picture, memes, etc. of various aspects of life. I’ve been flooding my life with inspirational people and things; but something was still missing. About 6 months ago (or so) I finally figured out what I want to do with my life (sort of). Without a clear plan, I kept thinking that I want to share these positive, inspirational, motivational, uplifting messages with as many people who want to hear them.

Fast forward to a little over a month ago, I told my husband that I wanted to start a Facebook group (or page) to help spread these messages but I didn’t have a name for it. One Saturday I sat down at my computer and came up with a suitable name, “Positivity to Inspire and Motivate”. Although I knew it wasn’t exactly right, it was good enough. Fast forward, again, to a couple weeks ago, my husband helped me come up with the name we will be known by from now on: “Sharing Moments of Light”.

We talked about starting this blog and other ways to share my message; and guess what? I became super excited AND nervous.

There is a little voice inside that tells me “no one cares what you think” so I’ve always had a hard time sharing what I truly feel, in my own words. I was excited to share goodness and light with people. I was nervous to use my voice in this way because of that proverbial voice inside. Well, I’d like to think I’m overcoming this one. I’m now sharing my thoughts and feelings for anyone and everyone who wants and/or needs to hear it.

Listen to your conflicting emotions and don’t let the negative take over.