Author: Alison Morris

Make Yourself a Priority

Make Yourself a Priority

Posted on by Alison Morris

I used to think that being selfless meant that everyone else came before me; that I needed to take care of everyone else before taking care of myself. I was always taking care of everyone else. I rarely took the time to care for myself in the true meaning of the word. Essentially, I came last. That is not what being truly selfless is. To be selfless is more than putting others needs before your own; it includes taking care of yourself too. After all, you are the most important person in your life.

When I was young and single, sure, I took care in my appearance. I bought myself clothes and shoes that I liked when I needed them, or when I found a great sale. Then, when I became a wife and mother, things changed. Kids grow fast, especially in those first few years. My kids were always needing new clothes. Whenever my husband would start a new job it felt like the dress-code was different, therefore he was always needing new clothes as well. The money wasn’t there and everyone else needed clothes more than I did. This is just one of the examples of how I fell to the bottom of the proverbial totem pole.

Not long after my youngest child was born, I knew something had to change. I started to see myself turning into my mom. Now, I loved my mom. I know she went through things in her life that led her to not make herself a priority though and I didn’t want to end up the same way. I tried to keep up the façade of “I’m okay” but inside I was falling apart. I was trying to keep life stable for my kids and husband while I was deteriorating. I love and always have loved my children. So why was I getting so angry with them? At this point I made the conscious effort to start one small way of taking care of myself. I told my husband that I needed new clothes. He was very supportive and encouraging; but, to me, new clothes meant spending money. I was used to living in money scarcity rather than abundance. I had to push past the scarcity mindset.

For most of my childhood, my mom would take me and my siblings to thrift stores for our clothes. As I got older it was harder and harder for me to feel good in these used clothes. I had a hard time finding anything I liked so I’d just pick anything and only end up wearing a fraction of what my mom bought. At this time, I decided that I didn’t care how much I spent. Yes, I like to find a bargain. I almost never buy anything if it’s not on sale. However, I really wanted to start liking the way I looked in my outfits. I made the decision to purchase one or two new outfits (a dress, jeans and a nice top, etc.) twice a year; once in the spring and once around my birthday in the fall. I slowly started feeling better and I also knew that I needed to do more for myself.

A few years ago I added another thing to my self-care: I started taking long, hot baths on the weekends, often taking a book in to read. I’d wake up and start my Saturday or Sunday off with a long, hot bath and then I’d shower before interacting with anyone. It has been wonderful to have that “me” time.

Lastly, I take the time to walk my youngest son to and from school almost every day. I know this doesn’t sound like much for self-care, but hear me out. It is self-care because it allows me to get outside in the fresh air. I get one-on-one time with him on the way to school and I get me time on the way home. Even though some days are less then optimal conditions (i.e. rain, snow, or just being downright cold) having that time to be outside is extremely helpful to my well-being.

Making myself a priority has been a challenge at times, but it has also been fulfilling. It has allowed me to be more loving toward my family. Do I still get frustrated and angry on occasion? Yes. After all, I’m only human. That being said, I am no longer resentful because I am now a priority, rather than an after-thought.

Don’t wait to make yourself a priority. The longer you wait the harder and more bitter you will become. When you are taking care of yourself, you are able to more fully care for others. Think about one small thing you can do to care for yourself and do it. You will soon start to see and feel yourself soften. And remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Trust Your Intuition

Trust Your Intuition

Posted on by Alison Morris

Have you ever had a feeling about a person who came into your life that you just don’t trust? You can’t put your finger on it but you hesitate to want to become closer to them? Somehow you just know something before being told that particular thing? Those are all due to intuition. This is not to be confused with fear or anxiety. The feelings are different. Intuition is not fueled by fear. Intuition is that “gut feeling” you feel in a given circumstance. One definition of intuition is the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning”. Fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat”. Anxiety is “the feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome”. Though similar, these three emotions are different. Intuition may cause unease, but it’s more than that; it’s an uneasy calm, so to speak. Intuition comes from a place of calmness, not fear or anxiety.

I didn’t have a lot of guidance when I was growing up. I heard a lot of “do this or don’t do that” with no explanation of why, so, it should come as no surprise that I was not taught what intuition is. I was not taught to trust my intuition or instinct. In fact, many of the things I’ve learned about feelings, emotions, etc. has been on my own, as an adult. I’ve had to learn these things through my own life experiences. It is now something I try to teach and instill in my own children. One experience in particular taught me to follow and trust my “gut”.

When my 3rd child was about 6 months old or so, my husband and I were approached by a family friend to participate in an investment program. On paper this appeared to be a great program. The plan would essentially be our savings for retirement.

As this was a pretty big deal, we did not make a quick decision. We had the program explained to us and we asked many questions along the way. That being said, my husband is a numbers and data guy. He saw all the data on paper and thought it sounded good. He could only see the benefits of the program and couldn’t come up with any negatives. I saw the same presentation, but felt uneasy about it. Yes, it sounded good; I couldn’t see a reason why not to participate in the program. We discussed it and made the decision together to go ahead with the program even though I was still apprehensive; I just couldn’t put my finger on why.

We proceeded to start the refinance process, which took significantly longer than I could remember it taking in the past. The date for closing kept changing. Each time it changed, I would reiterate my concern despite not being able to give a good reason. The day finally came for closing and I still had the feeling. We went through with it anyway.

Within a few months the reasons for my earlier unease became apparent. 1. We hadn’t been able to save anything. 2. Our finances were a mess. 3. Option loans became illegal shortly after we closed on ours. Although this program worked for some people, it did not work for us. About a year later, we refinanced into a traditional loan.

My husband and I talked about the experience multiple times over the months following this experience. We definitely learned some lessons from the experience. For me, I learned to trust my instinct and push a little harder when I get those gut feelings. For him, he learned to listen more, even if I couldn’t give a good reason. In spite of the stress we felt for a little while, things turned out okay in the end.

Pay attention to you how you feel in any given situation. You have that feeling for a reason even if you don’t know what it is in the moment. Don’t disregard your feelings just because you can’t come up with a logical reason. The more you trust and act on your intuition, the more you will recognize it for what it is in the future. Undoubtedly there is something you will learn from leaning into your intuition.

Remember to trust your intuition. It knows the way even when your mind is uncertain. Embrace it. Don’t be afraid of it.

 

Overcoming Generational Trauma

Overcoming Generational Trauma

Posted on by Alison Morris

Overcoming Generational Trauma

I want to share some things that I’ve learned and come to understand over the years about generational trauma. Before I do, please note that I am not an expert on the subject. This is just a little bit of my story and how I’m changing the pattern for my children.

1. Just because you were treated a certain way growing up, doesn’t make it right.

I am the youngest of 8 children. My dad was 47 and my mom was 39 when I was born. They were born in the 1930s. Things were rough for them as they were Depression Era kids. My dad had a rough childhood being the youngest of 7 children and his parents were determined not to have a spoiled youngest child. Because of his rough upbringing, he was a “my way or the highway” type of parent. Basically his children were not allowed to have a voice. It was “do as I say or get out”. As the youngest child, I witnessed things that caused me to be extremely shy and quiet when I was young. I learned that if I was just quiet, I’d fly under the radar. These are just some of the things I was non-verbally taught as a child.

Be quiet. Do what you’re told. Don’t ruffle any feathers, so to speak. If you do something wrong, don’t get caught.

2. Recognize that it was wrong and desire to change.

I’ve been married for over 21 years now. I’m in my 19th year of being a mother, as my oldest child is 18. As a parent, I’ve wanted better for my children. I wanted them to know they have a voice. I wanted them to know that they can tell me or ask me anything without me freaking out. BUT, as a young overwhelmed mother, I didn’t do the best when they were young at not freaking out. When my oldest was approaching her teenage years, I really started to recognize that what I was doing was not what I wanted for her and her siblings. I had a strong desire to change my behavior and, therefore, change our relationship going forward.

3. Make changes. It stops with me.

It is up to you to break generational trauma. When they say, “It runs in the family” tell them, “This is where it runs out!”.

My journey began in my late 30s. I started to recognize some of the same patterns in my children. What a wake up call that was! I started with making small changes. One was just listening to them; showing them that I valued their opinion or whatever they had to share. I tried to show them, not just tell them, that they are important. It was difficult, but I stopped freaking out if they said something that caught me off guard. I began listening to podcasts that really helped me be more aware of what I needed to change. I knew the changes had to begin with me. The rest would fall into place. Yes, my kids may be confused sometimes by the way I react (or don’t react, as the case may be) to a given situation; that is because they were conditioned to expect a different response.

4. Consistency is key to success.

I’ll be honest, being consistent hasn’t always been my strong suit. It is something that I still struggle with, especially when I’m physically exhausted; and that happens frequently with my hashimoto’s hypothyroidism. I forget punishments that I have given. I forget to check to see if chores are done. I’m far from perfect. BUT, I have been working on being more consistent in my actions as a mother. I notice when I’m consistent with how I speak and listen to my children, that they are more willing to come to me with different things. I do my best to be available for them. I do my best to listen them. Although I am still a work in progress, my hope is that my children can see and feel a difference.

In conclusion, it is never too late to change. Reach out in a loving way. If you fall, get back up. You will most likely receive push-back from your family as you grow and progress. As long as you are being genuine and loving, your family will feel that and be more receptive to the change; they will be more open to receiving the love you put out to them. The resistance isn’t because what you are doing is wrong, it’s because it is unfamiliar. It’s uncomfortable. Even though the comfortable patterns aren’t healthy, that’s what is familiar, therefore comfortable. Keep at it. Measuring any type of progress takes time and this is no different. Soon the tides will change. What was once uncomfortable and healthy will become comfortable and healthy.

Focus on the Lesson

Focus on the Lesson

Posted on by Alison Morris

Our past teaches us lessons. We are gifted the present. The past and present help us embrace the future.

Does it ever seem like you go through the same hardship or trail time and again? I know I have. Sometimes the lesson is learned the first time. Sometimes it takes making the same mistake or going through the same challenge multiple times to learn the lesson. I recently came across a saying that went something like this: There are no mistakes. There are only lessons.

Mistakes and challenges help us grow. Growth helps us better our future. If you focus on your mistakes and hurt from the past, guess what? You will continue to feel that hurt. Look back at the hurt and ask yourself: Is there something I can learn from this? How can that experience help me become better? Those questions can help you go from being a “victim” to a place of empowerment.

There was a time in the early years of our marriage that we had a difficult time holding onto jobs. A few months after we got married, I lost my job. Later that same day, my husband lost his job. Ironically, we were working at the same place. That was the first of many job losses in the first few years of our marriage. It was an extremely stressful and difficult time for both of us.

My first inclination was to be a victim. Eventually, though, I realized that there must be a lesson I (we) needed to learn. I began asking what I needed to learn from it. It seemed as soon as I felt like I was getting a handle on our finances, we’d get hit again with another job loss. One thing that almost immediately came to mind was that I (we) needed to get a better handle on our finances. We started working together on our finances. It was time consuming, but we tried our best with what we had. I finally discovered an excellent budgeting program that really helped get a handle on our budgeting. We made a small investment in the form of an annual fee and it helped us tremendously.

Am I perfect at budgeting? No. Are we perfect with our finances? No. We empowered ourselves by taking a couple different financial courses together over the years. Between the financial courses we took and the budgeting program, I learned that consistency and awareness is powerful. Being aware of what is available is more powerful than what was available or what is going to be available in the future. The same concept can be applied to many different aspects of life.

The past is a place to learn from, not to live in. Living in the past keeps you stuck. Who would want to relive the hardest parts of your life, over and over again? I know I wouldn’t. You can always learn something from your past. Sometimes it’s painful, but by discovering the lesson you can learn and grow. By acknowledging your past and allowing yourself to grow from it, your future will become brighter and you will become more empowered.

The Power of "AND"

The Power of “AND”

Posted on by Alison Morris

Do you know that you can have two different emotions at the same time? Yes, two different emotions can, and often do, occur at the same time. The Podcast “Light the Fight” talks about this in two different episodes: one is called “the and” and the other “the and 2.0”. I plan to listen to these episodes again and I encourage you to listen as well.

Have you ever felt sad AND relieved at the same time? What about happy and sad? Do you sometimes get angry with someone you love (anger and love)? How about being in (physcial or emotional) pain and still being grateful? What about excitement and being nervous? It can be confusing to feel two immensely different emotions. Sometimes we hold ourselves back because of one strong emotion; we allow doubt and fear to overrun our excitement.

Thanks to Facebook algorithms, my feed is full of positive, uplifting picture, memes, etc. of various aspects of life. I’ve been flooding my life with inspirational people and things; but something was still missing. About 6 months ago (or so) I finally figured out what I want to do with my life (sort of). Without a clear plan, I kept thinking that I want to share these positive, inspirational, motivational, uplifting messages with as many people who want to hear them.

Fast forward to a little over a month ago, I told my husband that I wanted to start a Facebook group (or page) to help spread these messages but I didn’t have a name for it. One Saturday I sat down at my computer and came up with a suitable name, “Positivity to Inspire and Motivate”. Although I knew it wasn’t exactly right, it was good enough. Fast forward, again, to a couple weeks ago, my husband helped me come up with the name we will be known by from now on: “Sharing Moments of Light”.

We talked about starting this blog and other ways to share my message; and guess what? I became super excited AND nervous.

There is a little voice inside that tells me “no one cares what you think” so I’ve always had a hard time sharing what I truly feel, in my own words. I was excited to share goodness and light with people. I was nervous to use my voice in this way because of that proverbial voice inside. Well, I’d like to think I’m overcoming this one. I’m now sharing my thoughts and feelings for anyone and everyone who wants and/or needs to hear it.

Listen to your conflicting emotions and don’t let the negative take over.

The Power of "YET"

The Power of “YET”

Posted on by Alison Morris

When I first heard about the power of yet, it resonated with me so much. I could tell that adding that simple word “yet” to a seemingly negative statement would truly change my perspective.  How many times do you want to give up because you can’t do something “yet”? Or something doesn’t turn out they way you expect it to the first time you try?

So, what is “the power of yet”?

Think about these statements for a minute.

“I can’t do this.” vs “I can’t do this yet.”

“I don’t understand.” vs “I don’t understand this yet.”

“I’m not good at this.” vs ” “I’m not good at this yet.”

“This doesn’t make sense.” vs “This doesn’t make sense yet.”

In college I realized just how much I love to cook and bake. I would have Sunday dinners with my roommates and we would invite friends to join us. Most of the time I was able to make meals and desserts without fail. That being said, I recall one experience where I attempted to make lemon bars from scratch. Unfortunately they didn’t set properly after baking. I figured baking them for longer would help with that. Nope! The longer I baked them the more they just shrunk in the pan. Not that it would have mattered anyway, but I kept checking the directions for any missed steps or anything that would have indicated I did something wrong. To this day I have no idea what happened or why they didn’t turn out the way I expected them to. After that experience it was boxed lemon bars for me for a VERY long time; longer than I’d like to admit.

I could have given up completely and NEVER attempted again. However, I’m little bit of a recipe junkie and, years later, I really wanted to try making lemon bars from scratch again; the box bars just aren’t the same as homemade. I found several recipes and chose one to make for a family gathering. I double and triple checked that I was following the directions to the T and baked them. When the timer went off, I pulled them out of the oven. They looked great! And guess what? They tasted incredible! The flavor was intense, just the way I like them. I have made them several times since then and they are just as good as I remember. Had I refused to make them again because of my very first experience, I never would have been able to share the amazing lemon bars with my family. Sure, I may have stumbled upon someone else’s homemade lemon bars but they won’t have been my own.

Was I able to make lemon bars from scratch in college? NO! I just couldn’t make them YET.

Before you give up, ask yourself if it’s something you really want to do. If the answer is YES, then be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that you “can’t make lemon bars YET”. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Keep trying. Don’t give up. Remember that you are still learning. Allow yourself that space to grow and improve.

This is the power of “yet”.